Career Opportunities for Michael Vick

"Watch your motherfucking back."

I spent the weekend back in the 212 to reunite with my lovahs. It was a fun drunken weekend overall. On sunday we went to go play with puppies and then eat an obscene amount of cupcakes and mexican food. As we were walking down Bleecker Street approaching Magnolia's, me and my friend were distracted by 2 sparrows on the side of the street. At first we thought they were doing the nasty, but after standing there and watching them we realized they were fighting. Other people started stopping too and people were asking us what was going on like they were our pets or something. We should have started taking bets. One retarded German tourist almost stepped on one of the birds; the things were just so into whatever they were doing that they didn't even care that a crowd of humans was surrounding them. Well is became inherently clear how much they didn't care when we went to stand in line for cupcakes. The birds flew up in the air, still battling one-another, and in their state of frenzy one of them FREE FELL ONTO MY BACK. Yes, the bird FELL. It gives me the heeby jeebies even thinking about that feeling right now. At first I thought that it had just taken a huge shit on my back or something. But nope, the bird itself had just hit me in the back while falling onto the sidewalk. My friend and I screamed and ran away, leaving the long line of surprisingly unfazed tourists. We turned around and saw the birds do the same free-fall thing again and land on the street in front of a white BMW that stopped while the birds wrestled to the edge of the street. For the rest of the day I was scared of every bird I saw. If you think about it, birds could terrorize the shit out of us if they wanted to. They can walk AND fly. And their beaks are really sharp. Plus, they have terradactyl in their blood. 

In a somewhat related story, I witnessed what could only be described as a terradactyl birth on the subway. We were heading over to Brooklyn Heights and a gaggle of skinny, flamboyantly-gay black men were getting on the train. When the doors started to close on one of them, he shrieked like a baby terradactyl and dramatically opened the doors with his flimsy arms. He honestly looked like a traumatized terradectyl exiting the womb. I half-expected him to be covered in dinosaur placenta. I'm happy he wasn't though because I probably would have ralphed up my soggy, amtrak hot dog and grey poupon that I had consumed hours earlier.